I don't talk about it a lot, in fact, I'm sure more then half of you have no clue about it. I've always been really good with the whole "out of sight, out of mind" concept, which can be a really bad thing or a really good thing at times. In this situation, I'm not sure if it's good or bad. More then often I tell myself in this situation, it's a bad thing but it's also gotten me out of a few hard to deal with situations because I make sure they go in one ear and out the other. In all honesty, it really doesn't go in and out and this topic is always in back of my mind, I'm just really good at not showing it.
You probably have no idea what I'm talking about and I'll try to fill you in without giving you all the details, in fact, most of them you don't need to know anyway. It's hard for me to write about it because I've never actually opened up and talked to anyone other then Pablo, Amanda and Rita about it and half the time it's a short conversation that we have and I end it because I try not to deal with it. It hurts too much and my heart breaks every single time.
Over the past several years my family has had to deal with a horrible diseases (I'll call it that because that's what it feels like) that has taken over our minds and bodies. My oldest sister has dealt with some horrible situations in her life that have played a major affect on everyone she's come into contact with. You know, in school you take D.A.R.E and you learn all about drugs and then a few years later you learn about domestic violence relationships and how to get out of them and you think, "That will never happen, I'll never have to deal with that!" A few years past and it's your big sister, someone you look up to, someone who is supposed to protect you that is going through everything you learned was wrong while growing up.
I wish I could just shake her awake and remind her where she came from, who she is and what she stands for. Why doesn't she remember that? Mom used to tell us that all the time; what will it take?
Please understand, this isn't anything new. I didn't just find out yesterday all of this was going on. We've been dealing with this as a family for at least five years, if not longer. It's a disease that we fight, everyday. It's taken over everything we do as a family, from our personal daily lives to every time we get together. It's always there and it probably will never go away, I've come to accept that. She may get better and fix her life and we may be able to sit at a table together as one big family (I can not wait for that day), but the damage is done, and nothing will take away the memories.
Recently, my sister has found some much needed help and is working on the steps to becoming healthy. She's been in contact with my Uncle D and through him I have been able to get updates about her; knowing that she is safe and out of harm makes my heart feel better and knowing she is complying to everything they ask her to do makes me so happy. On Sunday, I asked Uncle D if my sister had her own room and if she was able to decorate, because if she was, I would love to send her some Scentsy to make it feel more like home. We got to talking about my sister a little more and he said that she asked about me often and asked D if he could find out if she could call me. I wasn't sure how to answer the question, I haven't talked to her since December but I agreed. I have not heard from her and I'm not sure if she will call me.
I have not been the best support in this situation. It's not because I don't love her, because I love her as much as a sister can love another sister and it's not because I don't care, because I care more then you will ever know. It's because it hurts. This whole situation is horrible. I hate the way it has made my parents, I hate the way I feel because of this situation, I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT.
But when the phone rings and it's her, I will put all the hate and hurt aside and let her talk and I'll listen and I'll support because I know that's what she would do if it was me. I know that is what she needs and as much as it hurts me to put my pride aside, because trust me the pain and hurt is beyond measure, I will try to be there for her as much as possible.
I just ask one thing of you, if you pray, then say a prayer or if you think happy thoughts, then think a lot of happy thoughts for both her and I. Pray she continues to get the help she needs for herself and her daughter and pray that I can put the past behind us for now and support her in what she is doing today.
This by far is one of the hardest things I've had to deal with, ever.
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